I’m sitting in my living room at the Longhorn Estate (we call it this because of the field of longhorns beside us) with my roommates and cats by a crackling digital fireplace. It’s almost 10pm and I’m currently concerned about how I’m going to be waking up at 5:30pm tomorrow. I might but I also might not – it’s a gamble. And, unfortunately, I make that gamble the moment I open my eyes each morning.
It’s the beginning of December and the year is coming to a close. I’m trying to figure out my resolutions and what I should focus on for this year. Resolutions are so hard for me.. I’m not going to lie. I completed so many bucketlist items and 2023 had so many highlights for me. But when it comes to resolutions, I’m unfortunately that person that drops her resolutions by the second week. Maybe I should somehow trick myself into making my resolutions my bucketlist items? Haha I don’t know.
Last year, I didn’t really have any resolutions. I had a few things that I wanted to complete – take a few trips, eat healthy and go on a missions trip but it was very generic and I knew I was already going to do two out of those three things in the beginning of the year – so it was sort of cheating. What I did do for the year of 2023 was have a word of the year.
My word for 2023 was Connection. It’s something that popped into my mind while I was praying for the year and what I should focus on. Then I started seeing it everywhere. Some might say that’s the frequency illusion. I say it was God telling me to focus or observe the way I connect with Him, people and myself.
What I realized was how bad I was at connecting with God and everybody around me… and even myself.
This was kind of a hard year for me. I moved three times. I went through a little bit of a lonely season since I lived far from my family and friends. I’m still trying to find a church close to where I live right now so it’s tough being between churches.
But it was also a very wonderful year for me – full of memories and lessons (hehe.. we always gotta have the lessons). I had the opportunity to travel to Israel before the war, taught at an English camp in Serbia, visited Budapest for a day a half and went on a girl’s trip to Germany and Italy. I’m currently struggling over an empty-ish savings account so I see a finance resolution for myself for the year 2024 but all the travel memories were worth it. I also have a really wonderful remote job so I get to hang out with our cats at home. Speaking of cats, I also got a kitten this year – Eddie, or Edward when he’s being naughty which is most of the time (he’s a ginger, hehe). He likes to shred curtains, take nice walks across my keyboard while I’m typing, attack the other cats while they’re peacefully napping and sleeping directly on my pillow (don’t worry – my pillow case gets changed often). But back to connection.
I always thought I connected pretty well with the world around me. I always kept in touch with my friends. I felt like I was a pretty vulnerable person. I journalled a lot. I felt like I had a pretty decent prayer life. But in the bottom of my heart, I was constantly wishing for more but I wasn’t sure why – I seemed to be doing all the right things.
I realized that the connection was breaking on my side and I didn’t even realize it. And this was my problem: I was trying to appear a certain type of person to God, others and even myself and I didn’t even realize this. Or perhaps, I was living in denial.
These are a few things I’ve learned and have been trying to remember to do and pay attention to in regards to connecting with God, others and myself.
Connecting with God
- Be real while you’re praying. It’s okay to be broken and weak with Your Father. In fact, it’s better when your prayers come from a humble heart.
- Be a child in God’s kingdom
- Ask God to be your Master and submit to His will
- Know that everything good and beautiful comes from above
- Most of all, be thankful for what you have
Connecting with others
- Actually listen
- Notice and pay attention to others
- I was constantly comparing myself to the people I wanted to be friends with
- Appreciate your friends and all that they do for you
Connecting with myself
- Sabbath
- I wasn’t listening to my own needs
- Pay attention to your own dreams, gifts, strengths and gifts. I ignored my dreams and gifts and strengths and focused on my weaknesses and what I didn’t have
- Appreciate who you are