It’s 10:30pm, and I’m starting my 20 minutes of writing for today. I’m listening to this fantastic Tolkien lofi beats playlist on Spotify (listen to it – you won’t regret it) and staring at two of my empty Stanley 40 oz cups on my desk (don’t judge my middle age mom tendencies. At least, I’m hydrated, mkkk?). Eddie, my 4 month old kitten, is wandering aimlessly trying to find someone to attack haha. He’s so great. I love him. I’m so blessed. Although I’m kinda scared I’ll be fired from my job.. Lord, please help me do the best I can, give myself grace where I don’t do well and make mistakes and just surrender the rest to you. Today, I didn’t feel good so I asked to take the last three hours of work off. I’ve been thinking a lot of a few different things: God’s grace, perfectionism and giving up control in my Christian life and being more childlike and accepting what God thinks of me and giving Him control (I accepted the fact that most of my writing consists of run-on sentences). Here are some photos of Edward – you’re welcome.
Something that i used to be afraid of was people not thinking I was spiritual enough or that I was too sinful. That is so silly for a Christian to think that because we’re probably even more sinful than people think we are. And I think a lot of these fears came from not realizing how God sees more and not trusting Him enough to give Him control of my life.
If any man thinks ill of you, do not be angry with him, for you are worse than he thinks you to be. – Spurgeon
Recently, I’ve really been struggling with assurance of my salvation. It’s something that has bothered me for most of my life. I listened to a sermon by the late preacher Charles Stanley recently and he was talking about a 70 year old woman who came to him with doubts of her being saved. She was telling him that she had doubts her whole life and she was only addressing them then. This story honestly kinda scared me.. Imagine, going through your whole life and wondering and living in uncertainty about the most important moment in your life. But here I am at 27, also dealing with these doubts but I’m doing my best with facing them right now.
Something that I have done was say the repentance prayer so many times, I’ve repented of my sins, I spent time remembering sins to ask forgiveness for, but this is so silly but I’ve never actually made God the Master of my life. And I feel like that was my problem. I was talking to my roommate about how no matter how many times I repented and asked God to forgive me, I was just never able to believe that I was forgiven and that Jesus died for me on the cross. These are some of the things I’ve been learning about God and his character.
What God Thinks of Me
- His goodness is chasing me
- He wants to be in this relationship even more that I want to
- All of heaven is fighting for me
Understanding God’s Forgiveness
I need not walk through the earth fearful of every shadow, and afraid of every man I meet, for sin is washed away; my spirit is no more guilty; it is pure, it is holy. The frown of God no longer resteth upon me; but my Father smiles, I see his eyes,—they are glancing love: I hear his voice,—it is full of sweetness. I am forgiven, I am forgiven, I am forgiven! – Spurgeon (this man seriously has the best quotes – what a guy.)
Giving God Control for My Sanctification
Making God the Master of my life means giving God control for my sanctification. Our sanctification is God’s job. We need to cultivate it and focus knowing God more but ultimately it’s up to God what He will be teaching us at the moment. Looking for things in ourselves to fix is not helpful and usually ends up in us being too self-focused.
Christianity is not a performance and trying to prove something to God
We are His children. I think most healthy parents would be heartbroken if they found out their kids were trying to impress them or trying to gain their love or affection somehow – same with God. He said for us to boldly come to His throne in time of need. He doesn’t want us to try to earn his love in any way because it’s free.
God Doesn’t Seek Perfectionism from Us
David in the Bible was a man after God’s own heart… so was Abraham. I’ve always been curious why this was the case. David killed a man so he could have his wife and Abraham wasn’t always the most spiritual and faithful man there was. So it begs the question of why God called both of those men His friends. I’m not quite sure what the answer is but I truly think it’s because they kept running back to God no matter how deeply they’ve sinned.
Questions for Pondering 🙂
What are you chasing in life?
I feel like we’re all chasing something in life and I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing. But let us chase things that are good.
Outs: Don’t chase society’s expectations, perfection, control.
Ins: Chase Jesus, curiosity, what you fear, delight, wonder and awe, chase wisdom, simplicity.
What are you running from?
Is it a certain thing that is causing you pain? Is it something you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t yet because you’re afraid or think it’s too cringey? It’s a yes for both of those things for me. I feel like I’ve been embracing cringey recently. It’s actually pretty freeing – y’all should try it.
Anyways, that’s it for now! Until next time. 🙂